i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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