He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.