Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
someone owes me an orgasm
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.