I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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