I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
