see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
