I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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