Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
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My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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