he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
