Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I supernannyed him into submission
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
