My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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