I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
