im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
