does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
