When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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