God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
