maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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