guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
