I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
