We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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