You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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