why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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