apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
