tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
