My cat gives me a boner
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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