Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
