My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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