Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
