This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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