There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
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i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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