best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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