Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
