Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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