What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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