I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
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One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.