Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful