I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.