Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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