i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My penis needs a shock collar
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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