Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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