I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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