this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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