my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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