Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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