I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
