I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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