What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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