What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
