Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
