Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
