My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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