we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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