Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Two words: blizzard sex
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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