I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the day after is always just damage control
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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