you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
