He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Shame is for Republicans.
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