my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.