I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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