you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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