She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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